This moment, here, now

With all of us up at 5:30 this morning we walked to the beach and watched the sun rise. Finn played int he sand letting the warm water run up to his feat and then running back up to where Kate and I were sitting with Henry. The boys slept great last night and we felt pretty energized to get the most out of these last three weeks together in Hawaii. My brother recently told me about how him and his wife were really content in the moment and that has encouraged me to find that for myself. That sense of being fully engaged in what is happening right here and right now and letting the future live a little out of the spotlight a bit. Like I said we are really keyed for that right now but we will see how long that lasts. Things like this need constant watering to grow.

Transition away from transition

Four more weeks in Hawaii and then Finn and I will be heading back to Portland. It has been a good and tough time in Hawaii. Working from home has been wonderful, seeing Jake grow and being part of this formative time of his life has been and honor but not being able to get away and having 3 kids 2 and under has been tough. We had grand plans of financial gains that have gone largely unrealized but we have had relational gains that more then make up them. It has been harder then we thought it was going to be but we would do it again in a heartbeat. As the time is moving towards our departure though we can't help but look forward to the new, to the horizon. We will be moving in with friends in a 5 bedroom house is trendy North East Portland. A block from the Max and a great park and walking distance to two Breweries, if that isn't heaven I am not sure what is. We are in for tough times working out our lives in the midst of another family. trying to learn the steps to a new dance when we all have different tunes in mind. As usual communication is going to be key, as is thick skin and short memories. For Kate the opportunity to set up house is what she is looking forward to most. To have rooms that she can't arrange and re-arrange is necessary for a sense of home and she is already diagraming our room without seeing the room. For the last couple of transitions we have found that things don't work out the way we think they are going to and we know this next one will follow suit. We want to be more aware of our expectations and how we manage and communicate those. We want to have more contentment in the now even if it doesn't look like what we imagined from farther away. We have found that contentment in Hawaii after some false starts and frustrations and I think we are in a good place going in. I hope more then anything that the transitions are coming to an end for a while. I have a terrible sense of displacement and want to find where I fit now. I'm ready to pause in the stream now, to let the silt settle so i can see the bottom, see where I have been and maybe get a better picture of where we are going. 

Look at me daddy my daddy

"Look at me, LOOK AT ME HENRY, look at me." Finn says while guiding Henry's face towards his so he can sing to him. Finn likes to look you in the eye when he is talking to you, or singing, or kissing, or doing just about anything with you. He wants to know your listening, know that you can see him and understand him. He seems to be from an earlier time when things like that mattered, when men were judged on the strength of their handshake and the eye contact they maintained. I think Finn would have been as well liked back then as he is now at Aunt Barbs house for Thanksgiving. He is trying to tell the dog something and nose to nose as he looks the dog in the eye. The dog doesn't seem to appreciate the jesture as much as people do. Come to think of it Henry is not such a big fan either. I am a fan though, I love it when he grabs my face and turns me to look at him. Then that little hand lingers on my beard while he explains to me the difference between a tow truck and a tanker truck. I love seeing him try to get eye to eye with another kid to say hi to them or to apologize for taking their toys. I hope that trait sticks with him as he grows. I hope that he can always look people in the eye because he has the confidence and the clean conscience that it takes to do that. We just have to work on firming up that handshake now.

The song of the keyboard

Right around this time of day 2:30-3:00 I get really sleepy. There is a lull in the phone calls and the rhythmic tapping of keys that fills the office, calling out to me to crash my face on the keyboard, that tap tap tap like the sirens of Ulysses luring the ships to the rocks. I get up and walk around, grab a cup of tea, get the blood flowing but I know that the last two hours of work are going to be a fight for conscienceless.