Jobs and the longing

The job search is going, though I am not sure how it is going. I mean until you have a job it really isn't going that well is it? There seems to be some interest in my silly list of accomplishments but not enough for an interview or job offer. I have started to hear from companies in Portland instead of Indy, Waco, and Phoenix so that is plus. My spirits are still high because I know that this is a process that will take some time. I'm trying not to think about my wife at her appointment, 18 weeks along and all is well, wondering where and when we will find a Dr. here. Trying not to worry about where we will live and if Finn will be OK until we get insurance again. That stuff is out of my control for right now so it is relegated to back burner concerns. I miss my wife and boy terribly. It is first thing in the morning when I feel it most. That time in the morning where you first wake up but don't need to get up yet. When I would find Kate in the sea of covers and curl up to her and wait for Finn to wake up. If I was lucky I would be pulled into sleep with her hair in my face and my arm around her. That's the way it feels, like being pulled into, falling almost and I miss that. I wake up now and reach out to find her, for a second forgetting that she isn't there, and longing is heavy on my chest and I catch my breath.

Waiting for it while writing

I am in Santa Barbara for the weekend so I can attend my friends' wedding. Both the bride and the groom are my friends so I put the little mark at the end. That isn't right is it? Irregardless I did it and I used a word I have no idea what it's meaning is. My wife has never been less attracted to me then when reading this post. Anyway it is nice being here, I will always love Santa Barbara and the people. I am staying with Jesse and Carly in their great place and at dinner tonight I ran into a couple of old friends that themselves were just back in SB after a year in Taiwan. That is part of the beauty of this place much like Indy in that I often run into someone I know and haven't seen for years. Tomorrow is a busy day that includes a harbor cruise so I must get to sleep. I don't really have much to say lately but want to write so I do. I think that soon I will be able to get at something that I want to say just by taking the time to get back int he habit of writing. That may or may not be true but I think I'll just play it out to see. In the mean time enjoy Finn getting super pumped about getting a balloon.

Wapping it

I am getting to know some of the finer Wireless access points in the greater Clatskanie area. A town that boasts a population of 1850 has a good number of open networks to attach to. Today I am in Flotano's Pizza parlor checking email and sending out resumes en mass. Thank you Tonya and Carly for the encouragement today and great notes, I really appreciate your words and value them a lot because of who you both are. I thought I would put up a travel photo from the epic drive. Enjoy

From plans to reality

Writing this I am sitting in a coffee-tanning-ice cream place in Clatskanie, OR tweaking my resume and scouring the online job posting while trying not to think about how much I miss Kate, Finn, John, Tonya, Cosi, Carrie, ......... My brother Mark, and friend Jesse flew out to Indy to drive with me cross country to Oregon last week and we made the trip in 38 hours. We left Indy at 11 AM and made it to my parent's house at 10:30 PM the next day. It was an epic road trip that we dominated from start to finish. Three iPods full of music and a mix CD that encapsulated the mood of the trip perfectly, moving from excitement and hope to sadness searching and then back really helped the time go by. We had a rotation of 2-4 hours of driving with the other two taking the bulk of the midnight to sunrise driving time.

Now that Mark and Jesse are back home and I am left here to start the job search it's hard not to think back to what I have left behind. There are great pictures up on Flickr of Sunday night dinners and Labor Day beach outings that left tears on my keyboard. There was this line in a book I recently read where the woman was looking back at a time in her life where she was having some minor problems compared to the hell her life had become and she says "How were we supposed to know we were happy then?" There is a big part of me that fears we will do the same. This move to Portland seems like the right decision but I don't have any certainty to it, it very well could be the worse decision we have made and I would be lying if I said I didn't worry about that. Worry is no good here though, I am here, Kate and Finn are coming and so I look for a job. Then we look for a place to live. Then we look for all the other things we will need to make it in our new home.

Plans (written by Kate)

With a baby on the way and a job I hate, a change is in order. Occupational options are limited in Indianapolis, I'm in love with an MFA program in Seattle and James has a family friend highly connected in the computer industry in Portland. So to the Pacific Northwest we go. In a very short amount of time, we have weighed the options, prayed for a clear and peaceful direction and then been caught up in the momentum of all things falling into place. In one week I will give notice. In two weeks we drive to Iowa for my cousin's wedding. In three weeks we will pack up a trailer and send James and his parents off with our stuff. And shortly after, Finn and I will fly to Portland to meet up with James, find a place to live and generally begin the process of making our acquaintance with a new city, a bigger, more hippie-friendly, mass transitted, rainy city.

We are overwhelmed by this decision and generally feeling in equally powerful levels: really sad to be leaving Indianapolis and the people we love here, a place and time that we will likely look back on as Utopian communal living with beautiful and talented people, leaving my parents who have been both generous and overwhelmingly loving and a short drive away; and feeling really excited to be starting over and finding a new city and community to be connected to and love. We know that this is what we are supposed to be doing right now, a supernatural sense of direction. But we are fully aware of what we are leaving behind and hope that we are half as lucky again.

We are city people, James and I are. Every time we go to New York or Chicago or even smaller cities like Cincinnati or Louisville, we are energized and inspired. I picture us riding the subway, taking Finny to school and stopping at the flower market to pick up some daisies for the front hall table. We will look to be around people and activity and cultural centers always and this move feels like the realization of that part of us. Not that Indianapolis does not have its appeal, it does. We have certainly been surprised by the cultural, artistic and athletic thriving we have found here. But with Indianapolis, there is the sense that we know or will know soon all that there is to know about the city, that everyone is connected enough that if you know five key people, you know them all, which is great in a lot of ways. Being connected is a thrilling sense of belonging in overlapping relationships. But we both have a sense of more things to see, more book shops, cafes on corners, art galleries and boutiques to know. We are perhaps instilled with that very American manifest destiny, of exploration and discovery—not of anything new or uncharted—but new to us. And we are thrilled at the prospect.

The Tree Killers

The tree in our front yard was dying and branches would fall during every storm. Before mowing the lawn I would have to pick up the bigger pieces of limbs and bark out of the grass so as not to totally trash the lawn mower. Worried about some of the bigger branches falling on cars or people on the sidewalk we decided the tree needed to come down. We went to the local Home Depot and rented a chainsaw for the day and got started. My dad is an iron worker and has all the necessary safety gear so it made sense that he would be the one climbing around like a monkey on the tree cutting it down. Well that and the fact that he is 20 times the man I am. It really is tough being as a man being part of this family. Mark is an electrician and knows his way around a job site, Bing is an Iron worker and all around handy man who my wife is now giving jobs to instead of giving them to me. As if it isn't hard enough getting man points as a stay-at-home dad I have my dad and brother setting high scores like two stoners at the arcade tilting the pinball machine while the numbers pile up. But I digress, we got a ladder from Jerry and set to making the big tree disappear chunk by chunk. The neighbors gathered on their porches to watch and sometimes spot for cars as my dad sent limbs falling into the street with little regard for traffic. I worked down below breaking up the branches and loading them into the truck. We hauled off the brush to the landfill and put the logs in the back with a sign that said free wood. It took about 4 hours for the tree to disappear and another 3 hours to clean up the yard but the tree is gone now and not in any danger of hitting a passer-by. You can see more pictures of the process on Flickr

In Loving Memory

This past weekend my parents dog Scout had to be put down due to advanced cancer in his stomach. He was not looking well the past couple of days and when they took him into the vet they found out about the cancer. It was a shock to all of us who suspected it was something he ate. My parents had Scout for a year and it was here in Indianapolis last year, shortly after Finn was born, that my dad answered an ad in his local paper for a free boxer. He called and set up a meeting when they got back home and from that meeting they took Scout home. For a year Scout was a part of the family, well loved and capable of giving such love as well. When Finn and I visited in January Scout took it upon himself to guard Finn's room while he slept. Finn would shake his lips and pull the bones Scout was chewing on right out of his mouth without Scout coming close to biting him. Scout would lay while Finn crawled all over him and it was incredibly sweet to see. He was a great dog with such a fantastic disposition and my parents are heart broken. Please remember them in your prayers and your thoughts as they go through this sad time. And if you ever met Scout and have a story please share it in the comments, I think they would like that.

When's that BABY due?

Above is the odd picture of the new baby that is growing in Kate's Stomach. It is an inch and a third long and has a wicked fast heart beat so it is doing well. Kate is 10 weeks along and due February 17th. We had our first appointment today and the Dr. couldn't find a heartbeat with the little boom box mic so she sent us to have an ultrasound, something our previous Dr. didn't do, instead of just guessing on a due date. We would normally wait until the 12 or 14 week point to tell everyone because the early miscarriage has made us gun shy but it is hard to wait when you have heard the heart beat, seen the hands and legs and little insect face. Congratulations us!

(title comes from the 2 minute mark of this)

Brokeback Potter Weekend

This past weekend I was fully caught up in Potter-mania. My good friend John and I met some other friends at the local big box book store just before midnight to stand in line for the eagerly awaited 7th book in the Harry Potter series. It was quite a scene at the store but the best part was talking to this dude in line that was at least 6 shades of crazy. He started the conversation by turning around and saying "I told my wife to put the Miracle Grow on the tomato's hello!" I first thought he had confused me for someone else he had been talking to but that wasn't the case. He told me all about his garden and his desire for purple peppers. He told me about his dream of going to AZ to a cooking school to be a chef but how he can't leave Indy because of some legal reasons. He talked about his medication and how it caused him to flip out and try to kill a security guard. He told me about his bogus diagnosis of schizophrenia and how he'd like to see that court appointed Dr. again to show him what he thought of that. I was never so glad to hear "Next!" and see him go to one register to buy his book while I went to another to buy mine. Actually if you click on the picture up top you will see my crazy friend under the white board with the grey shirt and Gallagher haircut.

After John and I had purchased our book we headed down to Bloomington to hole away in a cheap hotel and read our books. We had been planning this for months now and one time or another there where other readers that were going to be joining us but it ended up just being the two of us. We had to endure countless gay jokes from friends and family but we also talked to plenty of people who envied the chance to get away and do nothing but read. We got to the hotel pretty late and laid out our plan for the reading. We would read a chapter tonight to start and then starting Saturday morning we would read 3 chapters and then stop and discuss.

We had breakfast at a local favorite and walked on to the campus of IU and read away. It was a great day weather wise and we stayed pretty well on pace with each other. After a couple of stopping points to chat and remember who was who we went to a coffee shop and found a couple more readers lounging in the comfy chairs reading and we nodded at them. A stop for lunch to have falafels and then back to the hotel for more reading. John is a much faster reader when there are no distractions, like he reads 2 pages to my 1, but when there were distractions we read at the same pace.

We stopped for a nap and then read some more before a dinner of Thai food. After dinner we went back to the hotel to read the night away but soon needed snacks. John had a friend in town taking a class in Polish so he invited him over and we stopped to chat with him. When we got back to reading John's friend joined us reading his book on Polish Foreign Policy in the 1930's. Basically the same story as The Deathly Hallows. When we would stop to discuss he listened intently and participated in the guesses as to the fate of the different characters. Micah left and John and I went to sleep late again and slept in until 10 when we had to check out.

I had been sick with a cold during the last couple of days but was not feeling to bad until Sunday morning. I woke up with what felt like a hang over worthy of world class night of drinking. The like of which I have not seen since leaving SB and the poor influences of Troy, Ben, Jesse, and Jimbo. We went to have bagels with Micah and read on campus again but I felt awful and looked worse. With 200 pages left we headed back home. It was disappointing not finish before coming home and to feel like I let John down but nice to be back home. We both finished the book Sunday night and had a chance to talk a little about it this morning. It was a great weekend with a great friend. There will continue to be jokes amongst our friends but I don't care. They missed out on a fantastic time and I think most of them know it.

White Washed

Last year shortly after Finn was born my parents, brother, and sister in-law came to see the baby and help out with some home improvement. The back porch creation was the biggest of these projects as can be seen in this old post. Well over a year later and we still haven't painted that porch so my dad is doing that as well. I really should be helping but I am feeling really sick. I don't have an excuse for the other 365 plus days though

Bath time with Papa

My dad is pretty funny to watch with Finn. He will not pick him up if he is dirty or in any way sticky, needing first to wipe him down thoroughly. He also doesn't like getting splashed during bath time but Finn just doesn't seem to cooperate with him. When he is covered in sticky bananas and has a full diaper he wants his Papa to pick him up right now. In the bath he splashes and laughs the whole time while Bing is with him. It's as if Finn knows hows particular he is and is doing everything he can think of to get him. Last night while giving him a bath Bing had Finn laughing so hard he could barely breath. There are few things in life so rewarding as making kids laugh and last night my dad was richly rewarded.

Merry Marriage Day

On Sunday afternoon Kate, Finn, and I got to be a part of Lisa and Eric Bentson's wedding. Kate was the most beautiful bridesmaid of the bunch though a head cold and stuffy, humid church almost got the best of her. The ceremony was held in a quaint church on Culver lake followed by a reception in the Poconos at the Skytop Lodge. It was a very fancy shindig from beginning to end and really a lot of fun to be part of, the only problem was that it directly preceded a 12 hour drive back home. We tackled the first 4 hours that Sunday night and stayed in a cheap hotel just West of the midway point of PA on I-80. Kate and I were both too tired to care about the crappy hotel and Finn slept in his port-cage so for him it didn't matter. The next day of driving was great until we were just coming to the Ohio-Indiana border. That was the time that Finn decided he no longer wanted to be in his chair and instead wanted to scream a high pitched tune. We couldn't get home soon enough.

On the Road

We left Wednesday night to go to the East coast for a wedding. Kate's friend Lisa is getting married and Kate is part of the festivities. Since Finn has a 6 hour traveling tolerance we thought leaving later in the evening and driving while he slept would be a good idea but Finn didn't sleep. After we stopped and checked into a hotel he still didn't sleep. He was like chipmunk on uppers he was so hyper. Like he chased his espresso with some redbull. He was throwing himself around the bed, getting up on his knees and waving his arms like crazy and then throwing himself down again. We put him in his crib and he screamed for 30 minutes, which is OK at home where we can hide him away in his room, but in a hotel room it really sucks. Not much sleep was had that night but he was a happy baby for the rest of the trip. We arrived in Sparta, NJ at 8:00 PM Thursday and today Kate is off with Lisa, Finn is with Grandma Kris and Heather to the Jersey Shore, and I am left to read in the shade on the back porch. I think we are all pretty happy with our respective days. Since there are no pictures taken left I give you Finn offering scout a drink from his sippy cup.

4th of July with the Gnomes

We were meant to go to the lake to have a much more suburban 4th but rumors of thunder storms and tornadoes kept us close to home. While sitting in the front yard watching the neighbors across the street shoot bottle rockets from the end of an ax handle Junior came over with A.J. to invite us over to their BBQ and we went. The whole scene could have been on Mayger beach and these could have been my uncles so I felt fairly at home. For Kate though this was a completely foreign experience akin to meeting a remote tribe in the Amazon. We tried to put Finn down for a nap and walk over there but they would have none of it. They wanted to see that baby and sent me back to get him up. We chatted, played horeshoes and basketball, and ate and had a great time. Our neighbors from down the block heard about it and made their jokes about eating racoon and blowing up the neighborhood with $600 worth of fireworks while other bills go unpaid, but they accepted us as we were and made us feel like we belonged and that's more then I can say for us and our friends.

The watermelon incident