a different perspective

I was reading through a couple of things that I wrote about a year ago but never posted here. There are things that don't get added on to the blog for whatever reason, usually edited for language, but that I keep around anyway. These two items were interesting to go back and read more then a year later to see how things had changed:

Acute Beat Dull Anyday
April 9, 2008

The redheaded one got some shots yesterday for turning two months. Happy Birthday little man, here are your shots! Needless to say he wasn't happy about it, he was pretty pissed. When I got home from work he and the blond one were asleep so Beautiful and I had a quiet dinner with Charlie Gibson. Soon both boys would be up and while the blond one was happy and dancing the red head was super pissed. He was oscillating between just crying and screaming bloody murder. I tried to take him upstairs and soothe him but it wasn't working. Not only was he not being soothed but something was happening to me in that time that just brought me down. We have recently relocated from Middle America to the Northwest mostly on my leading. We moved for a number of reasons but one big one. Beautiful was going to go back to school. She didn't get in and now those number of reasons are missing their leader. I feel like I screwed up, like I am to blame for us leaving and her not getting in. It is hubris at it's highest I know, but I still feel to blame. It seems that the waves of painful scream from the red head were hammering home my failure and I was left feeling empty. Beautiful thought I was mad at her, and I thought I was fine but I couldn't snap out of it. I was finally able to put some words to it in bed that night and in so naming releasing a bit of it's hold on me. I guess I know that I am not to blame and that the little reasons are all still valid. I don't feel as down and empty today but I'm also not shiny happy people yet. I envy the boy with his acute pain and valid complaints. he will get better, the pain will subside and he will smile at me again.

Rambling
April 5, 2008

We have been in a new town for 8 months now but it seems we still haven't found our place. The whole reason for moving seems to be no longer valid and yet here we are. There are times when I think everything happens for a purpose and that God is in control moving the chess pieces of our lives around with a grand plan. I guess I really do believe that at heart but I don't buy into the whole giving up any culpability for the decisions we make. It may be part of God's grand plan for us to have moved across the country but it was our decision and us who are accountable for it. I guess this gets to the heart of my faith. There is this underlying faith that there is a God, that he cares for us as a people, and that he is involved in our lives daily whether we recognize it or not. But then for most of my day to day I don't really live that out. There are a number of people in my life that would say that kind of faith is not really faith at all. That unless it is lived out it is inauthentic. I don't think that is true but I don't really know. I do know that I would like to feel a little more connected to the place that we are at. When we first moved East we didn't feel connected to the new place until after a devastating miscarriage. We decided to stay somewhere that we thought we were leaving and quickly made great friends and built a strong community. I wonder today if the same thing will happen here after some recent bad news. I wonder if this was all part of God's plan for us. I wonder if we made a mistake leaving.

Other's stuff

There are other people writing and being creative:

Mark Wrote this, thanks Mark!

Kate wrote this, poor Kate.

Mark took these, nice pictures.

These kids are great

Very, that's how cute he is, very

It seems I am perpetually apologizing for not updating and that reeks a bit of arrogance. I guess I have this picture of people checking each day for new content and going away with a cloud over their day when they find nothing there. That is probably not the case but my apology comes also from a place of wanting to write more and not getting the chance to and so it ends up being an apology for me more then anything else. A blog is at heart a diary of sorts and our diaries are meant to be more personal. Most of the time that I am writing it is more to myself as the audience then anyone else but I am always aware of who may or may not be reading this and there fore tailor and smooth where rough edges might have done just fine. I am rambling and wandering and all I wanted to really say was that I don’t have a computer at home and work seems to be a poor place to update so I have been negligent in writing what I have wanted for that I am sorry. I apologize to any disappointed readers and I apologize to myself for not stoking the flames narcissism that have roared wildly despite my neglect.

Now that I have that out of the way I wanted to talk a bit about how freaking cute my son is. Finn is now 17 months and walking away like a champ. He took longer to get there then his contemporaries but he is going full board now. His vocabulary is increasing from Ball and Car to a wider palate of phrases and sounds to make sense of his world. He calls Kate ‘mama’ and he calls me ‘gaga’. It used to be ‘kaka’ but he found that word was closer to cracker and didn’t want to confuse us. He loves cars and points them out screaming ‘car, car, car’ until we say yes Finn that is indeed a car. You are a very astute young lad finding a car on this freeway at rush hour. He has also created some much more complicated language for trucks. For the trucks he says ‘papa’ and shakes his head no. This comes from the fact that his Papa Bing drives a truck but he is well aware that isn’t indeed papa or his truck. He has heard the word truck, he can say the word truck, but he chooses instead this complicated process of audible and physical action to convey the meaning because he is a complicated, complicated individual.

A couple of nights ago Kate and I were driving around to fill a Birthday/Thank you basket for my mom and Finn was in the back checking out the scene. We had a pop station on the radio and there was a non-descript pop princess song on that was catchy but empty. Finn started singing along in ‘Ba ba ba’s but doing so in such a condescending tone that there was no doubt he was my child. It was like he was making fun of the song while humming along in true Indie-rock snob fashion. His uncle John would have been so proud of him.

It has been tough going back to work and not being with him all day but I have come to really enjoy those final few steps on my walk home when I know that soon I will see Kate and Finn. I know that they will both smile at me and be excited that I am home and that feeling is intoxicating. I am not sure it makes up for missing so much but it definitely softens the blow.