Tuesday, June 23, 2009

a different perspective

I was reading through a couple of things that I wrote about a year ago but never posted here. There are things that don't get added on to the blog for whatever reason, usually edited for language, but that I keep around anyway. These two items were interesting to go back and read more then a year later to see how things had changed:

Acute Beat Dull Anyday
April 9, 2008

The redheaded one got some shots yesterday for turning two months. Happy Birthday little man, here are your shots! Needless to say he wasn't happy about it, he was pretty pissed. When I got home from work he and the blond one were asleep so Beautiful and I had a quiet dinner with Charlie Gibson. Soon both boys would be up and while the blond one was happy and dancing the red head was super pissed. He was oscillating between just crying and screaming bloody murder. I tried to take him upstairs and soothe him but it wasn't working. Not only was he not being soothed but something was happening to me in that time that just brought me down. We have recently relocated from Middle America to the Northwest mostly on my leading. We moved for a number of reasons but one big one. Beautiful was going to go back to school. She didn't get in and now those number of reasons are missing their leader. I feel like I screwed up, like I am to blame for us leaving and her not getting in. It is hubris at it's highest I know, but I still feel to blame. It seems that the waves of painful scream from the red head were hammering home my failure and I was left feeling empty. Beautiful thought I was mad at her, and I thought I was fine but I couldn't snap out of it. I was finally able to put some words to it in bed that night and in so naming releasing a bit of it's hold on me. I guess I know that I am not to blame and that the little reasons are all still valid. I don't feel as down and empty today but I'm also not shiny happy people yet. I envy the boy with his acute pain and valid complaints. he will get better, the pain will subside and he will smile at me again.
April 5, 2008

We have been in a new town for 8 months now but it seems we still haven't found our place. The whole reason for moving seems to be no longer valid and yet here we are. There are times when I think everything happens for a purpose and that God is in control moving the chess pieces of our lives around with a grand plan. I guess I really do believe that at heart but I don't buy into the whole giving up any culpability for the decisions we make. It may be part of God's grand plan for us to have moved across the country but it was our decision and us who are accountable for it. I guess this gets to the heart of my faith. There is this underlying faith that there is a God, that he cares for us as a people, and that he is involved in our lives daily whether we recognize it or not. But then for most of my day to day I don't really live that out. There are a number of people in my life that would say that kind of faith is not really faith at all. That unless it is lived out it is inauthentic. I don't think that is true but I don't really know. I do know that I would like to feel a little more connected to the place that we are at. When we first moved East we didn't feel connected to the new place until after a devastating miscarriage. We decided to stay somewhere that we thought we were leaving and quickly made great friends and built a strong community. I wonder today if the same thing will happen here after some recent bad news. I wonder if this was all part of God's plan for us. I wonder if we made a mistake leaving.


jamie said...

All that being said I think you owe us a rebuttal blog. What is it like in an actual neighborhood and not an appartment complex? What is it like to be so close to the MAX and to move about town with the ease of a native. See what I'm saying????

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I couldn't be happier that you are here!!

Jake Alger said...

About five minutes ago I finished reading Ecclesiastes 3, which I think certainly fits in the subject of your second April 2008 entry.