Saturday, August 23, 2008

Temporary Insanity

Tonight was a hard night, a really hard night. I think we knew that there would be nights like this but it doesn't make it any easier. Jake is not feeling well and might be in the first stages of the bug Finn and I had, or he might just be pooping a lot for no reason. He has been unhappy tonight, unhappy eating, unhappy being held, unhappy in his crib. Henry has not been going down either and has been crying pretty loud in his baby cage. Finn is doing well but hungry for a bit of attention as we pinball back and forth between the screaming babies. Jake and Finn we are used to but Henry doesn't cry much so when he gets worked up like this it is a bit demoralizing. He has got some teeth coming in and that has to hurt like hell and I understand his crying, and I understand Jake and his wanting to not poop anymore and Finn and his need to get some attention too. I understand all of it but it is still hard. Right now Jake is screaming in his room and Henry is screaming on the other side of the house in his room. Finn is in the middle going to sleep like a champ. Kate had to get away and go to the beach for a bit because it was too much. After a long week tonight was just too much. We have no idea when Scott will ever come home, if he is working, or out for a run, or out to a movie while we manage the screaming and it becomes too much. I feel isolated tonight, like I am on an island in the middle of the ocean and I can't get off it. It's not always like this, I don't want you to think this is so hard all the time, it is tonight. Tonight it is hard, really hard. When Kate needs to get away she feel guilty for leaving me with the boys and so does not really get to de-stress at all. She just trades her overwhelming sense of responsibility in for overwhelming guilt for not being strong enough to endure. I realize that this is coming off way too intense and it is not a life or death thing. If you have kids I think you can relate, it's not that bad over all. but it is too hard right now. I feel guilty even writing this because I know that Mandy is going to read it and feel bad, and I don't want you to feel bad Mandy. It helps to write it out, to get it out of the head and on to the page and as I'm writing there is slience in the house and the screaming has stopped. The boys are asleep and it is getting better. I am feeling better. Can anyone else relate to this feeling of temporary insanity?


Anonymous said...

When I was raising you and your brother I used to make comments like "someday when you have children of your own..." but somehow revenge isn't the feeling in my heart right now, compassion, love and pride for you and Kate is what I feel. And as my mother used to say "this too shall pass" Keep up the good work, your reward will be the toast at Jake's wedding.


Anonymous said...

I'd like to also add my love and gratitude to Scott and Mandy for serving our country and making the sacrifices that they are, you are both my hero's too.


jamie said...

Just had that feeling Saturday night after Natalie bit me and I put her on the floor and walked away because it hurt so bad and I was angry. She got scared and started crying and then the screaming thing. She then went too far and couldn't stop. So I know how you feel when you've tried everything and they still just cry. She finally went to sleep probably from exhaustion and slept all night.