Monday, March 23, 2009

After their sleep but before mine

There are times when I go into the boy's room before going to bed myself and I am hit by something powerful. I well up with tears and I love them fiercely. or maybe it is joy, or maybe it is something else entirely. I am not sure what it is exactly but it is powerful and it has a an intense effect on me. I pull Henry's cover back over him, the one that he is in now laying on after going to bed with it on him. I am not sure the process of going from awake to sleep for Henry but it involves going from his back with the blanket on him to laying on his stomach with the blanket scrunched bellow him like a sky blue body pillow. When I see his face the feeling hits me and I want to live in that moment but I think I would explode. It is too intense to inhabit and so it passes quickly leaving me near tears and full. It is all I can do to not pick him up, wake him, and hold him tight. I have to will myself to move slowly and controlled pulling his blanket out to cover him again. Then I go over to Finn in his toddler bed and kneel down with my head on his pillow. I tell him important things and smell his hair. I want to crawl in bed with him but I am too big and I have my own bed to get to. These boys have no idea the effect they have on me, even sleeping, especially sleeping. I know I will embarrass them when they are older trying to tell them how amazing it was for me to watch them sleep. They will think I am crazy and they will be right in a way. It really is crazy how much I love those boys. I am consumed with love for them, it is intoxicating and probably the best part of my day is going into their room when they are sleeping. It is crazy, but I don't care. I'm OK with being crazy.


Anonymous said...

How lucky they are to have such beautiful thoughts to read when they get older! They (and you) may not believe it all when they are thirteen , and you are all trying to remember how cute they were, and how much you loved them when they were little. The good news is they will get older, and you will adore them all over again, only as wonderful adults, that you had a small part in raising.(I'm giving God a lot of the credit here, I know Tom and I believe this about our kids). And then they will have the cutest little babies ever!!! I know, I'm getting ahead of myself! Keep up the good work James!! kris