One step closer to knowing

I read this book once that compared grief to a slowly closing window. You would forget about the grief until the breeze came through and washed over you anew. The window would slowly close over time until one day that breeze is completely gone and you don't remember when it stopped. I like that analogy, I think there is some truth there. I feel better today then I did yesterday. Kate has been offered a permanent job that sounds interesting. We are talking of buying a house in Fountain Square to rehab it. There is a revitalization going on in that neighborhood and a project just might do us good. We'll work on the house while God works on us.

I have been reminded again of just how much Kate and I are loved during this time. Our house is filled with the scent of flowers, my inbox is full of kind notes and prayers, our message machine looks like a slot machine when we come home, and our fridge is full of tasty chicken. I have felt hurt and confused but not alone and I want to thank you all for that. It may seem like a small gesture to you but I want you to know that it is life for Kate and I. They are countless hugs and kisses that we have been able to soak in for the past few days, again thanks to you all.

How am I doing?

That is the million dollar question these days. I wish I knew. Kate says that it was Faulkner that said I never know what I think of something until I write about it. Maybe there is something to that for me as well. I haven't cried yet. Not at all. That is remarkable for anyone that knows me. When I was a kid a was devastated by a cartoon where a momma kangaroo got killed and cried for day straight. I don't know what it is inside but I feel the pain and weight but the tears won't come. There is a numbness there that I can't explain. I'm not trying to repress anything or trying to be strong for Kate. I'm not strong, not at all. I feel weaker then I have ever felt in my life. I am emotionally volatile. I feel rage come up for the guy tailgating me and I want to slam on my brakes so he hits me and then beat him while he's stunned. I don't of course, I wouldn't do that, but I think about it while I'm driving and then feel bad for the guy and ask the Lord to bless him today. I have been asking the Lord to bless people a lot this past few days. I'm pretty upset with God personally but I want him to bless others so that maybe something good will come and I can see it and warm myself to it for a minute or two. Music helps a great deal right now. Here is the current mix that is getting me through today:

If God Would send his Angels - U2
It's OK - Delirious?
All these things that I've Done- The Killers
God Moving over the face of Water- Moby
Always Care - The Pneumatics
Everything in its right place - Radiohead
Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie
Love and Peace or Else - U2
Undone - The Violet Burning
Who we Be - DMX
Deliver me - Dave Crowder Band
Lost without you near me - The Violet Burning

If you want any of these tunes let me know and I will send them to you.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

I am so sorry if this venue is where you are hearing this news first, it is no indication of what you mean to Kate and I, only an indication of what these past few days have been like for us.

Sunday night Kate and I found out we lost the baby, or might never have had it to begin with it. It's a little complicated but I will try and explain. While watching TV on Sunday night I noticed blood on Kate's pajamas and she went into the bathroom to discover more. We went right away to the ER and anxiously waited for our name to be called. After an hour we got in to see Dr. Hunter. Dr. Hunter was a first year medical student from IU and one of the best looking men I have ever been around. He said if looked as if Kate had a miscarriage but he told us he wasn't the expert and to not lose hope. He was honest and caring with us, preparing us for the worst but keeping us positive at the same time. Another Dr. came in and did an ultra sound but could not find the baby. Yet another Dr. was called in from home to do a more complex ultra sound and she too could not find the baby.

They explained to us that there are 3 possibilities as to what is happening here:

1. That is too early in the pregnancy to see the baby. For that to be the case it would have to be less then 8 weeks in and that just isn't probable. We have known for 8 weeks and Kate was having symptoms for 3 weeks before we did the test.

2. That Kate had a miscarriage and what ever was in the gestational sack is now gone.

3. That Kate was never really pregnant to begin with. The Dr.s said that some times the Uterus will create a gestational sack when there isn't an egg or zygote in there. This seems to be the most likely of the three but they don't know for sure.

Kate went in on Tuesday to get some blood work done so they can compare hormone levels in her blood. The Dr.s should no more when they see those and Thursday we go in to hear what they found.

Garage sale enlightenment

In an effort to find creative ways to pay the bills Kate and I had a garage sale at her parent’s house on Morse Lake. Forecast for the weekend: Thunder Showers, Tornado warnings, and a chance of snow. Good Times!

Wednesday night we went through our closets, pulled all the boxes out from behind the bed, and opened every cupboard, nook, and cranny to scrap together what we could for our meager garage sale.

Thursday we drove our treasures up to Cicero and started setting up shop in the garage. All my Cali garage sales were actually yard sales were we grabbed a cooler of beer and sat out in the sun playing cards until someone bought the slightly used kitchen table with the one short leg out from under us. This time we were limited to the two car garage so we had to set up our wares in small logical departments. Toys in the back, clothes in the front, and lovely pictures of ducks in mid flight scattered around the edges. Tom and Kris donated a living room set and King sized water bed which made me thank of the Monty Python skit about Photography (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

Unlike my West coast experience, Midwest garage sales start on Friday so Kris pulled the first shift in the morning as Kate worked and I stared at my computer in a Benydril induced haze wondering why it was taking so long for the screen to refresh and realizing we had lost power 20 minutes earlier. Kate called me to say we had taken in over a $100 so far this morning and I need to get over there as soon as I can to give Kris a break. A $100! How many quarter frames did she sell this morning? I arrived just before noon and Kris handed over the crazy wad of money as more and more people braved the Tornado warning. I was hoping for $100 total, thinking we would probably get about $40 if we were lucky. Here we were half way through the first day and exceeding my expectations already.

Towards the end of the day Friday this 75 year old guy came in to look at the boom box stereo that was currently playing the smooth vocal stylings of The Pneumatics, I hear their huge in Japan. he was in earlier but we didn't have a power cord for the stereo so he came back to see if we had found it. He told me he had some CDs but every time he tried to play them they wouldn't play. I showed him how it worked, shiny side down, and we went through some of the finer points of the purchase. He talked to me about the history of the area and what he did after the war. I poured him a cup of coffee and grabbed some cookies so he wouldn't leave. As we sat down on the living room set he asked about my family and my job, and when I told him I was getting my IT certs he said he was sorry he didn't learn about computers. He told me his generation heard that computers would replace people and it made him fell as if he wasn't valuable. If a machine could replace him then what was he really worth as a person? He rejected technology because of that and it has been tough getting past those deep seated fears. He told me to never let fear keep me from learning. He told me that a machine might be able to do my job, but it will never replace me because I am valuable, I have the ability to love. I showed him again how the CDs go, we listened to the new Killers CD, he didn't much care for it, but he thanked me for the coffee and said he would let me know how the stereo worked out for him.

Saturday led to more sales and more sales led to more garage space. My friend came back in for another cup of coffee. The stereo worked great for him. Shiny side down was all it took. We talked some more about Jazz and technology and he went on his way. When all was said and done the Tornado never came but the snow did, we made just under $400, and I shared a holy moment of coffee, Killers, and computers with my new friend.

Things I hope my friends teach my kids: Owen will teach my kids how to pound it and be so darn cute you could eat em. 

One shot of happy, two shots of sad

Still no ultra sound or DR.s visits to report, May 5 will be the next time we see a DR and they should do an ultra sound then. In the mean time there has been a number of things going on for Kate and I. I have started my cert courses with over 30 hours of A+ classes with a funny band of misfits. I sat next to a lady who called her self Ms. D. I made the mistake of telling her that she had a stripper name. Honestly some people are so sensitive. As long as we were being creative I spelled my name "Jay Are". I had stat tracker up during the classes and I was following NBA and MLB games while the rest of the class was searching for Star Wars wallpapper for their machines. I don't know if I'm going to make it in this world but I'll give it the ol college try. Kate and I were getting pretty low on funds and wondering how we were going to pay rent, the speeding ticket, electricty and college loans and still have a little money to maybe get some ramen to last the month. We explored some ebay options, a garage sale, selling my baseball cards, you know anything to make a buck or two. They were all options but weren't going to be anywhere enough. Right when we got to the breaking point Kate got a temp job with a downtown company. We might just make it after all we thought the day before our car got towed. When I went down to move the car and saw it was gone I broke. I had been doing OK staying positive and "always looking on the bright side of life" but this was just too much. Kate was at work and only she could get the car, we didn't have the money to get it out and the price would go up everyday. I pulled a Brian Wilson and just went to bed for the day. It really wasn't that big of deal but to me it was one thing too many. Kate's parents graciously helped us get the car and treated us to a great meal, I played an angry game of b-ball, and I went home and sang in the shower at the top of my lungs. I fell better now, things will pick up and all that. Times like this always bring up a favorite song of mine.

Things I hope my friends teach my kids: Baz will teach my kids how to sing! Sing, sing sing, for the love you bring, won't mean a thing, unless you sing, sing, sing sing! 

Spring Cleaning

Today Kate and I gave our apartment a nice once over. We now have a nice clean space with only a hint of vacuum stink in the air. There are candles going to take care of that and we are sitting and enjoying a warm breezy night. It was in the 80's today and it is just starting to cool down now as I sit next to the open windows to start my studing. I have decided to go to geek school and get my IT certifications. I start tomorrow with a week long A+ class from 5:30 to 10:30 at night. Later this month I have Network+ and next month I start classes for Microsoft certification as well. My dad has Iron working, my brother has Electical work, and now I will have a trade as well. It is a 5 to 7 month commitment so Kate and I have decided to stay in Indy at least until the baby is born. It is nice to have plan and be working towards a set goal so I am very excited to get started. I am still looking for work during this time but I think I will be a much more attractive candidate once I finish even my first certification: A+. I better get back to the books, more news to come.

Things I hope my friends will teach my children: Robin will teach my kids to stretch obscure parts of their bodies, and what radical faith looks like lived out. 

Junk or great deal, only time will tell!

Kate and I spent a wonderful morning hitting some of the finest garages in the Marion and Hamilton county. We got up early and met Kris and Heather for coffee before attempting to make a dent in our baby gear needs. The first place we came to looked a bit suspicious. It was an elderly couple that looked like they knocked over a truck on it's way to the dollar store and were fencing the items in their driveway. I'm sure it was all on the up and up but there is a story there and I'm dying to hear it. We moved on to more traditional faire with the exception of the Red Flyer wagon full of 1970's porn. "Yeah I'll take this broken drill, two shirts, and how much for the 1/2 ton of porn in the wagon there?" Kris was at the helm of the S.S. Dealmoblie and she was manuvering through the neighborhoods like a young Dale Earndhart. We meandered through devolpments looking for signs and watching for old ladies on tricycles and when all was said and done we came home with a stroller-car seat, a deluxe leather high chair, a baby swing made by those negligent baby tortures Greco, a diper genie, a baby catapult, a mobile that plays Motzart-Beethoven-Bach-DMX, and a bag of golf clubs all for about $50. To quote Ice Cube, "I'd have to say it was a good day!"

Things I hope my friends teach my kids: From Jesse my kids are going to learn how rock their own style! 

Tough as Nails!

Kate and I went back to the clinic to finish up her tests and get the results from the ones she did manage to take on Wednesday. This time Kate chatted away with the nurse as her blood was drawn and she was in and out of there in 15 minutes with not even a hint of squemishness. Her next appointment is still May 5 but at least she can give blood like a trooper. We went from there to walk around the White River Gardens and looked at the butterflies and the flowers in bloom. We are both feeling a lot better today, thanks for the prayers and emails. By the way, thank you Linsey for your comments. You are winning 2 comments to zero in the comment game against everyone else!

Grandpa Bing, Uncle Mark, and Daddy. 3 reasons to love this picture: Bing is taller then me, Mark looks stoned, and we are all in suits! 

Part of the system now

As many of you know as of right now I don't have a job and of the two jobs Kate has one doesn't pay at all and the other she only works about 10 hours a week at. With no insurance and not much income we have begun the process of applying for Hoosier Healthwise to make sure that Kate’s pregnancy and our baby is taken care of. The first place that we called was incredibly helpful and attentive but too far south so we passed up on them. We tried for weeks to get into see some one at a Hospital up North to get into the system so that Kate could start getting her prenatal care. We were transferred around so many times that we were coming back to a lot of the same people. We finally got an appointment to see someone and got started on the endless stack of paperwork. That was March 23 and they said the soonest we could see a DR was April 20! Based on their best guess Kate is 3 months along and it could be 4 months along before her first DR visit. Needless to say that was not OK with me. I spent that day calling every OBGYN in the greater Indianapolis area to see if they took Medicaid, to see if they were taking patients, and to see if we could get in. After hours on the phone and something like 50 phone calls we got an appointment to discuss our finances on March 30. This still wasn't a DR appointment but they said once we did that we could schedule the DR visit. We went in and filled out some more paper work ad got an appointment for Friday April 1 to get started with a Doc. We got a call April 1 telling us they didn't have enough people and can they reschedule for April 6. We went in yesterday and we felt like we were finally going to get taken care of. We filled out the medical history and Kate started her blood work. While having some blood drawn Kate blacked out and then threw up when she came to. She didn't have a chance to finish the tests because she was so nauseous and green. They asked her to come back in on Friday to finish up and read some of her earlier tests and then they scheduled another appointment for May 5. Another month! I walked Kate to the car to find that we were 5 minutes over our time and we had a parking ticket. Needless to say yesterday was a very discouraging day.

Indiana

This past weekend we had the chance to see Kate's Sister Meg and her husband from Duluth, MN as well as Kate's friend Em and her new fiannce Logan who were visiting from OH. Tom, Mike, Logan and I decided to brave the vicious wind that was howling through the plains and try a round of frisbee golf at the local Frolf course. We were having a good time with our, if not accurate, at least entertaining, drives and trying hard to figure out the wind for the short game. As we came to hole 8 Tom had established his skill and experience with course and was comfortably in the lead. Hole 8 is a short 130 feet straight shot on top of the hill over looking Morse Lake. The wind was blowing off the lake and over the hill causing a wicked cross breeze that sent my first toss 300 feet to the left and across the parking lot. Tom decided the best course of action was to throw the frisbee almost straight down and to the right and see what the wind would do with it. Well that seemed a wise move when Tom bent it like Beckham and sunk a hole in one. We continued on through the course, a bit down now that no matter what shot we unleashed the shot of the day had happened already. There are 9 holes with 2 different tees for each hole so we were playing the entire 18. When we got to the 17th hole we found ourselves back on the hill about 40 feet further away with even more wind howling acroos our path. Mike told Tom if he got another hole in one he would give him $20, I said "Hell if you get another hole in one I will swin naked in your lake!" Tom tees off as we stare confident in our bets. He releases the disc down and to the right again with a little more umph to carry the distance. I watched the trajectory and my cocky grin faded with every foot that frisbee traveld. "No way, no way, GOD NO!" Hole in freaking one! He did it again! We were jumping around screaming and carrying on. Tom had tears in his eyes he was laughing so hard. Mike pulled a $20 out of his wallet and Tom said keep your money. I sheepishly turned to look at him hoping for a reprive as well, but Tom asked me if I was ready for a swim. Logan, Mike and I quit after that shot and we headed back home to tell the girls the good news. I had decided I would wait till it was dark and everyone was too busy with other stuff to notice I was gone. I snuck down to the basement to head out the back door down the steps to the lake. Mike was down there and followed me out to be my witness. I got down to the dock, dropped my shorts and stood naked and cold on the swaying dock. I was about to chicken out when the lights on the deck came on and everyone in the house started piling out to see. Kris had noticed Mike and I were gone and knew something was up. I jumped in and tried to get right out but scrapped my stomach on the dock. I had to walk back to the front of the dock with what seemed like blinding lights on me so there I was cupping my boys, waddling for me towel. From what I hear I was just glowing ball of white down there on the dock and no one saw anything. I reminded them that the lake was very very cold and that might have more to do with it. Once again Tom was near tears laughing. He told me I was a good man, who honored his debts. The next day Mike, Tom and I went to play regular golf and on the way out Kate stopped me for what I thought was a good bye kiss but instead was an admonishment not to gamble on anything today. I'll try.

Arizona

The last two weekends have been a great time of family, friends, and food for Kate and I as we spent time in Arizona two weekends ago, and time up in Cicero last weekend. We flew into Phoinex on Thursday afternoon with a slight 3 hour lay over in LA and seperate seats for Kate and I on the connecting flight. I tell you our travel agent sucks. I would be giving them a piece of my mind, if I only had any to spare, or if it wasn't my mom, or if the tickets weren't free. But if not for those things I would really be upset. Once we got to AZ Mark and I picked up a 24 foot moving truck and head down the dusty desert road to San Diego to get his furniture. Nothing makes you forget 6 hours of flying like 8 hours of driving in moving truck on a windy highway, good times! Once the traveling was done and the house was moved into, Mark's house by the way, the one he owns now, the one my little brother and his lovely wife bought and they now own. Did I mention my little brother Mark owns a home. I am so stoked for him and Kendra. Anyway after that was all done the full court press was applied to Kate and I on the joys and benefits of living in AZ. We were shown the homes and schools, we were shown the community of friends and family, we were taken to church on Easter Sunday and played in the park with the rest of the adorable kids that would play with our adorable kids if we so decided. We were treated to Melissa's Desert and Jenny's charm. We played golf with Kyle and Chuck, and basketball with Aaron and Josh. We shopped, explored, ate, and soaked in the sun after a long winter in the midwest. It was everything we were looking for but, sadly, not what we wanted. We came back home exhuasted and happy, still not knowing where we were going to end up, but having a better picture of what we were looking for.