How am I doing?

That is the million dollar question these days. I wish I knew. Kate says that it was Faulkner that said I never know what I think of something until I write about it. Maybe there is something to that for me as well. I haven't cried yet. Not at all. That is remarkable for anyone that knows me. When I was a kid a was devastated by a cartoon where a momma kangaroo got killed and cried for day straight. I don't know what it is inside but I feel the pain and weight but the tears won't come. There is a numbness there that I can't explain. I'm not trying to repress anything or trying to be strong for Kate. I'm not strong, not at all. I feel weaker then I have ever felt in my life. I am emotionally volatile. I feel rage come up for the guy tailgating me and I want to slam on my brakes so he hits me and then beat him while he's stunned. I don't of course, I wouldn't do that, but I think about it while I'm driving and then feel bad for the guy and ask the Lord to bless him today. I have been asking the Lord to bless people a lot this past few days. I'm pretty upset with God personally but I want him to bless others so that maybe something good will come and I can see it and warm myself to it for a minute or two. Music helps a great deal right now. Here is the current mix that is getting me through today:

If God Would send his Angels - U2
It's OK - Delirious?
All these things that I've Done- The Killers
God Moving over the face of Water- Moby
Always Care - The Pneumatics
Everything in its right place - Radiohead
Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie
Love and Peace or Else - U2
Undone - The Violet Burning
Who we Be - DMX
Deliver me - Dave Crowder Band
Lost without you near me - The Violet Burning

If you want any of these tunes let me know and I will send them to you.